This blog post was originally published on the SAIconnections blog page. You can read the original article here.
I get nostalgic every time I think of the wonderful days spent at my grandmother’s place. The endless chatter with aunts, uncles, cousins, the never ending ‘chips eating sessions’… we were carefree with no responsibilities.
My grandmother was an awesome story teller. We cousins looked forward to bedtime! Those were the days, my friend… we thought they’d never end.
Today’s scenario is different. Most families are nuclear. Having a relationship with grandparents requires effort. But these special relationships should not be compromised. They create a warm, heartfelt buffer in this sometimes-ruthless world.
Having a child with autism in the family further complicates the scenario. The stress of looking after an affected child often throws relationships out of gear. Coping with day to day situations takes a toll on parents’ life and their hearts.
Is it surprising that support from grandparents is invaluable?
Here’s something a grandmother said to me when her grandson was diagnosed with autism.
“The diagnosis was earth shattering. My first concern was for my daughter. How would she deal with this? She would be crushed under this mountain of grief. My grandson was so beautiful… Yes, he had these strange movements and ran away from sounds and people. I had so many questions running through my mind. What did autism mean? Was this related to anyone from my side of the family?”
Another grandmother said, “Though I didn’t understand autism, I was shocked and worried for my grandchild. I prayed that he gets cured of whatever it is.”
Dear Grandparent, your story does not have to end in despair. You can have a meaningful relationship with your grandchild on the autism spectrum. Not only that, you can positively impact his life and be a life line to your own children.
Do you want to make things better? Follow the steps below.
1. Drop the blame game
Let’s get one thing out of way immediately. It’s not the mother’s fault that the child has autism. The mother suffers enough with the diagnosis and care of the child. In this vulnerable state, she needs love and support.
Oh! And also do remember that autism is not caused by black magic. I have heard this being cited by many people, including the educated. Let’s move out of this dangerous, grey zone right away.
2. Educate yourself
There is nothing wrong with the structure of the brain of a person with autism (most times). However, there is a functional difference. It is a differently wired brain. This accounts for the social and communication impairments, the repetitive behaviors and the processing difficulties.
Many organizations like the Forum for Autism and Ummeed hold workshops to educate grandparents. Be proactive – understand autism. You can also get in touch with us. We have an interesting array of workshops to offer.
3. Support your children
Young parents are subject to grief and trauma. You are their first line of solace and comfort! Living with a child on the autism spectrum calls for huge reserves of strength.
It feels great when grandparents pitch in by spending time with their grand children so that parents can get time off to spend some quality time with each other. Sometimes getting away for a meal or a movie can be rejuvenating!
Support them by spending time with the other children in the family too. Helping with the kitchen work or with preparing meals can be a real God send!
I can’t tell you how many times, my mother-in-law and my mother have pitched in to be with my kids so that I could travel to attend a conference.
4. Invest in a relationship with your grandchildren
Do understand that the child on the spectrum does not do things deliberately. Negative behaviors and meltdowns can be particularly difficult. Take time to understand why the child does them.
Taking children to the park, playing board games or even watching TV together can create bonding moments. Reading is a great idea too.
I still remember the day my mother-in-law announced that Mohit understood Sindhi! We had consciously chosen to speak in English so that there would be no confusion in his mind. But she spoke in Sindhi to him. She was thrilled that he followed all her instructions – spoken in Sindhi!
Mohit loves hanging out with her! Every time he passes by her room, he spends a couple of minutes with her.
Related: Communicating Effectively with Extended Family
5. Respect your children’s parenting style
Every family has a different parenting style. You brought up your children in a particular way, but your children may choose to bring up their children differently.
Parents of children with special needs struggle with parenting issues in any case. Be sensitive and slow to offer judgement.
Many kids on the Spectrum are picky eaters. Be aware about this. Support the mother instead of blaming her. This can go a long way in cementing bonds.
Another area of sensitivity is limit setting. Parents often complain that grandparents ‘spoil’ their kids. It’s important to be consistent with children. Respect calls for rising above being right. It’s about love and acceptance. Maintaining any relationship is a two way street.
Both my kids have a good relationship with both their grandmothers. Tanya loves to spend time with my mom too. They share a beautiful warm bond. When she visits Mumbai, they make plans and go out.
When Mohit was diagnosed, my mother was plagued with apprehensions. The first quote in this post was by her. Today they share a fabulous relationship.
He breaks into the ‘nani house’ request at least once a week. It’s his favorite hangout. Every visit finds him checking out the refrigerator where nani stocks olives and cheese. He enjoys spending time with her and they share this easy camaraderie. Watching them together makes me feel warm and content.
You too can have a fabulous relationship with your grandchild on the Autism Spectrum. Yes, it’s effortful and requires immense persistence and understanding. But that’s a small price to pay for a relationship of a lifetime. Bridge that generation gap and enrich your grandchild’s life – as well as your own.
Kamini Lakhani is a, RDI program consultant and the Director of SAI School (ABA Center) and SAI Connections (RDI Center). She has over 19 years of experience working with individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders and currently serves as the director of our RDI Professional Training Center in Mumbai. She is the Director of SAI School (ABA Center) and SAI Connections (RDI Center)
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